Throughout our days, we each keep a running list of things to do. While I’m sure the lists look a little different for everyone, there are work and personal tasks that need to be done during our waking hours. Adulting! Someone has to do it. There is a kind of work that rarely appears on a to-do list. These are the tasks of emotional labor, something we all navigate daily but often goes unseen and unnamed. 

Emotional labor is getting to know someone’s work style so you can better anticipate their needs. It’s becoming the office sounding board (read: the person people vent to) because you’re a good listener. It’s the pause before responding to a tense moment. It’s taking a beat to tamp down the emotions you brought from home, such as having to convince your toddler that she does, in fact, need to wear pants to daycare. Or maybe it’s something heavier, and you’re emotionally tapped out before you even make it to work. 

Whether we realize it or not, we all engage in emotional labor. Psychology Today originally defined emotional labor as “controlling one’s emotions to carry out the demands of one’s job.” Over time, the term has broadened to refer to managing emotions in any context. This includes managing other people’s feelings, something for which we shouldn’t be responsible, but often find ourselves doing. At its simplest, it’s the quiet act of putting others’ needs before your own. 

Emotional labor goes unnoticed at work because it’s internal and doesn’t produce a tangible output. You might find yourself labeled as “the fixer,” “the listener,” or “the diplomat” without recognition and with the expectation that you’ll always show up that way. Chronic self-regulation is just as taxing, sometimes more so, than putting together a report or completing a project. Research in organizational psychology consistently shows that this burden falls more heavily on women, marginalized groups, and those in care or service roles. 

Over time, emotional labor can carry real costs. This can look like burnout, emotional dissonance (the gap between what you feel and what you must display), boundary erosion (when the line between what’s reasonable to give and what’s expected of you blurs), or reduced capacity to be patient, focused, or empathetic. There’s also the weight of potentially absorbing other’s emotions. 

Emotional labor isn’t inherently negative; in fact, it’s essential to healthy workplaces and relationships. The issue is when it’s constant, expected, unsupported, and unreciprocated. Your emotions deserve space, too.  

A few small ways to ease the emotional labor load: 

• Take a moment to do an energy audit. Where is your energy going and to whom? Awareness is the first step toward change. One strategy here is to think through which meetings leave you feeling energized versus depleted or which requests consistently take more time than planned.
• Focus on what’s actually yours to carry. You’re not responsible for other’s reactions and emotions, even if it feels like you are. This could look like resisting the urge to fix someone’s disappointment and allowing them to come up with their own solutions.
• Set clear boundaries around your time and energy. That might look like closing your door, skipping the after-meeting debrief, or choosing not to absorb someone else’s frustration.
• Take care of your own needs first. It’s hard to show up for anything else when you’re running on empty. This might mean taking a real lunch break or carving out time for quiet, leaving space for your own thoughts to surface.  

Photo credit: Ümit Bulut on Unsplash