We’ve all heard (and maybe even said) phrases like “Don’t cry,” “Don’t feel sad,” or “It’s going to be OK.” These words are often meant to comfort, and they can unintentionally send the message that certain emotions should be avoided. 

     From an early age, many of us are taught that resilience means holding back tears and pushing forward. What if resilience isn’t about suppressing emotions—but rather allowing ourselves to feel them, process them, and then move forward?

     The children’s book series Pete the Cat might be familiar. In my family, we often read two particular stories: One where Pete’s brand-new white shoes get dirty and another where he loses the buttons on his favorite shirt. Each time, the book asks, “Did Pete cry?” and answers, “Goodness, no! He kept walking along, singing his song.”

     When I read these books to my kids, my goal is to teach resilience—things won’t always go as planned, but we have to keep moving forward. As we know, children have a way of teaching us lessons in the most unexpected ways. When my son was 3, something at daycare didn’t go his way. We had recently read Pete the Cat, so I took the opportunity to connect the lesson with real life. I asked, “Would Pete have cried?” He firmly responded, “No.” I continued, “I wonder if you could have been more like Pete and kept going without crying and yelling?” Without hesitation, he replied, “No… my name is Kason. I cry.”

     At the time, I laughed at his innocent response, thinking the lesson had been lost. Later, I realized a different lesson had been learned—that it’s OK to cry. Crying isn’t a failure. It isn’t weakness. It’s human. It’s resilience.

     As a therapist, I see people cry almost every day. Many immediately apologize, try to stop, or express embarrassment and shame over their tears. Each time, I reassure them: Crying is OK. Crying means you care. Crying means you’re human. Crying means you’re navigating something difficult. 

     Crying is more than just a reaction to emotions—it serves an important purpose. When we cry, our bodies release endorphins, which helps ease both physical and emotional pain. We cry when we’re sad, angry, anxious, overwhelmed, scared, and even when we’re happy or proud. It’s a natural response, and it comes with many benefits: Improving mood, processing grief and loss, releasing stress hormones, and regulating emotions.

     Why do so many people try to avoid crying? A common reason I hear from clients is that once they start, they feel like they might never stop—it becomes all-consuming. When this happens, I recommend the timer trick for crying (or any strong emotion). Set a timer for 10, 20, or even 30 minutes—whatever feels reasonable to you. Give yourself permission to fully feel your emotions during that time. When the timer goes off, have a plan for what you’ll do next. Could be something like walking, reading a book, cooking a meal, or taking a shower. The key is to choose an activity that provides a smooth transition rather than diving into something overwhelming or stressful. This approach helps prevent getting stuck in the emotion while still allowing yourself to process it.

     Another reason I see people resist crying is that they don’t always understand why they’re crying. When this happens, I encourage clients to check in with themselves and explore what’s beneath the surface. One of my favorite tools in therapy is the feelings wheel. We use broad descriptions like good, bad, happy, sad, or mad—but these words don’t tell us enough. When we take the time to name our emotions more precisely—feeling insecure, overwhelmed, lonely, or jealous—it brings greater clarity. Once we identify what we’re feeling, we can ask ourselves, “What do I need right now?”

     It’s important to recognize that secondary emotions—the feelings we have about our emotions—can make us feel worse. Thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be crying,” “Why am I so emotional?” or “This is stupid” add shame and self-judgment. When we allow ourselves to name and accept our emotion without criticism, we can reduce the downward spiral of self-blame.

     A helpful tip is to practice self-compassion. Normalize the emotional release of crying. Life is filled with challenges, and our emotions are valid responses to those difficulties. Reminding ourselves that no feeling is final helps us view emotions as things that come and go vs. a permanent state.

     If emotions become overwhelming—if they start interfering with your ability to live in alignment with your values and goals—remember that support is available. Seeking help is one of the strongest steps you can take for yourself.

     While most days, we keep “walking along, singing our song,” not crying over small things like a lost button or dirty shoes, some moments in life are bigger—losing a loved one, losing a job, financial struggles, illness, natural disasters, relationship challenges, caregiving, global challenges, and the list going on.

In those seasons, remind yourself it’s OK to be more like Kason than Pete. “I’m [insert your name], and I cry.” 

Cover image by Caleb Woods.