It is Sunday night and the butterflies in your belly start to flutter — not from excitement but because you realize you have to go to work tomorrow. You love your job, but there is a person you work with who you just don’t like, and because of that, conflict seems to always show its face.
This is a topic those of us at the Office of the Ombudsperson hear about on a regular basis: What’s the answer to, “How do I work with someone that I don’t like?” Most have been there at one time or another. My goal is to provide tips for navigating these choppy waters. Here are seven tried-and-true strategies for addressing interpersonal conflicts at work:
Communication: I have worked in the field of conflict resolution for more than 35 years, first as a police officer/executive and then as an ombudsperson. What I discovered is communication solves most problems. Yet we all have a hard time taking the initiative to sit down and talk things out. These are hard conversations to have, and as humans we tend to choose the path of least resistance, which usually means doing nothing. Remember we spend more time with our co-workers than we do our own families. Failure to take the initiative in communication can affect your health and relationships both professionally and personally. When looking to initiate this type of conversation, schedule it. Springing a conversation like this on someone is destined to fail.
Curiosity: For anyone who has that co-worker you just don’t like, first reflect on why you dislike the person. Curiosity helps you to determine what the root cause of the problem is or could be. Remember we all have a story and we usually don’t know what is going on in each other’s personal lives. Getting clarity about why people act the way that they do can help immensely.
“I feel” statements: When you have that sit-down meeting, make sure to focus on the issues and not the person. A great way to do this is to use “I feel” statements. When we start a sentence with “I feel” versus “you,” it automatically diminishes the conflict, because you are not accusing anyone of anything but rather acknowledging how these actions make you feel. We all have a right to our own feelings.
Mediation/co-resolution: Sometimes there are situations where both parties want to improve the relationship but need help communicating. This is where mediation or co-resolution can assist. The Office of the Ombudsperson offers these services free of charge. In mediation and co-resolution, the mediator(s) serves as an impartial facilitator for the conversation. Visit https://ombudsperson.org.uiowa.edu/ for more information.
Validation: It is important that we understand we can’t go to work and expect our colleagues and/or bosses to validate us. We must find other ways to fill up our wells. This is why work-life balance is so important.
Job versus identity: Working through a situation like this requires you to remember that your job is what you do for a living; it is not who you are. Workplace conflicts can feel personal. And sometimes no matter what you do, you discover that you and your “difficult” coworker just don’t connect. That is OK, as nobody says we need to have a beer and hang out socially with people we work with. We do, however, have a responsibility to treat everyone professionally and to be KIND to ourselves and each other.
Finding the right culture for you: The culture of a department and/or organization is of extreme importance when it comes to work life. It is important that you can contribute to a department in a way that is good for you and for the department. Even if you love your job and enjoy your workplace culture, sometimes there are people we just don’t click with (and then there are others who feel like family). If you find yourself in this situation, it may be worth discussing it with your supervisor. You can also reach out to the Office of the Ombudsperson to explore your options. In any conflict situation, you can only control yourself and how you respond. Don’t give people more power than they deserve. Whatever you do, your attitude will determine your success, so remember the following:
“CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS AND THE THINGS YOU LOOK AT WILL CHANGE.” - Dr Wayne Dyer