Picture this: You’re at work or out in the community and you witness someone treat another person in an offensive manner. Maybe someone makes an offensive comment, subtle or otherwise, toward someone else. You consider intervening to support the person being targeted, but instead you decide to stay out of it, to not get involved, to stay neutral. Arriving home later that day you think, “I wish I could have done something.” Well, actually,…you probably could have. So let’s talk about this so you can be prepared to help a fellow human in need the next time something like this happens.
We often just want to stay out of things, so let’s start there. Sometimes not getting involved is necessary to ensure our personal safety, but often we’re simply side-stepping our social responsibility with the rationale being that if we stay neutral, at least we won’t make things worse. The problem with this is that neutral usually isn’t really neutral – it can actually have its own negative consequences. Ignoring offensive behavior often results in two unwanted outcomes: 1. The targeted person feels worse when they realize that others don’t care about their mistreatment; and 2. It gives unspoken approval to the person engaging in the offensive behavior, sending the message that no one really minds if they mistreat others. This unspoken approval is sometimes called silent collusion and it’s something to consider the next time you consider staying neutral.
What would it look like if you decide to take action, to go from being a bystander to being an upstander? Obviously, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but below are some options to consider depending on the specifics of the situation:
To show support to the targeted person:
Wait to see if they respond – you don’t want to jump in and try to save the day if the person already has their response ready. You can always show support afterward if they stand up for themselves and resolve the situation.
Tell them you saw what happened and ask if you can help.
If the person is in a place where they can’t easily leave (e.g. on a city bus or in an elevator), simply standing next to them and making eye contact or chatting can show solidarity and support.
If you’re not able to intervene in the moment, checking in with them later can still be a powerful way to validate their experience and feelings, and show you care.
Actions directed toward the offending person:
Avoid labeling and name-calling – even if it feels like they deserve it, angrily calling someone “racist”, “homophobic”, “misogynistic”, etc. usually escalates the situation.
Instead, consider using “I” statements that refer to the person’s behavior, such as “I find that word really offensive” or “I’m not OK with the way you’re talking to her.”
If the situation allows , call them in for a teachable moment instead of calling them out. For example, in a meeting a colleague might say, “That new guy is totally off the reservation.” During or after the meeting, you could explain where this phrase comes from and why it should be avoided. It may feel awkward – you can even acknowledge it feels awkward – but quite often people end up appreciating being corrected as long as it’s done in a constructive manner. In this case you might say, “Hey, I heard your concern about our new colleague. I feel a little awkward correcting you, but I wanted to let you know that the phrase ‘off the reservation’ is offensive. It refers to Indigenous People breaking the rules the government set for them, causing problems, and supposedly not knowing their place.”
Other tips:
Avoid humor: It’s understandable that we might try to defuse a tense situation by making a lighthearted joke. However, this often has unintended negative consequences, such as trivializing the situation and making it even worse for the targeted person.
When talking with a person who has been mistreated, keep the focus on their feelings and do not talk about how upsetting it was for you to see what happened. And if you find yourself on the offending side and it’s your turn to apologize for something, keep it brief and genuine. Avoid apologizing at such great length that the dynamic shifts and the offended person feels compelled to start taking care of you and your feelings.
It might feel awkward, but practice in advance what you might say in certain situations so you know what feels natural coming out of your mouth. Then you won’t have to completely improvise when you’re called upon to be an upstander.
It’s up to all of us to be upstanders.
Cover photo by Dan Burton on Unsplash